Facebook is probably too public for the following but yeah, I am happy to share my story. Wrote it from 3am to 6am last night.
Maybe I should not have taken the afternoon nap. Now I found it hard to sleep. My mind could not stop writing essays in the air and it kept me awake.
It’s past 12 so I am turning 25 officially today. I am a quarter of a century old. My family celebrates lunar birthdays so mine was celebrated on phone with parents last week. So yeah, no celebration for the day time. Just another nap day.
But it still feels like a big thing on paper. I am in my mid twenties now. No longer a teenager, not in early twenties either. I guess this is a good time to take stock of my life, especially when the Sunday message mentioned we would welcome people take inventory of our lives for judgement of spiritual walk.
Since I left home almost 10 years ago, I have achieved a few firsts in my family, including my extended family. I am a first generation English speaker, scholarship recipient, overseas student, Christian, college graduate, immigrant, master’s graduate.
I was born and raised in China, spent my late teenage years in Singapore on scholarship, went for tertiary education in the UK on a second scholarship, received Singaporean citizenship as part of the second scholarship, and am now back to work in Singapore. During the years, I also went to Canada for a fully sponsored summer school program, and to the US for a software engineer internship. Cantonese, Singaporean, Londoner, Silicon Valley Passerby. These locations defined me.
Looking back, the opportunities and education given to me probably have enabled me to jump a few social classes. I made friends from social circles that my parents do not have access to. But this also means that, in the process, I learnt and am still learning a lot of things the hard way.
Since my teenage years, I have accepted the fact that I can’t fully rely on my parents to guide me. While it is liberating to make independent decisions, it is a very saddening thing to realise that you are facing a bigger world than your parents have ever seen, and they just won’t be the best people to advise you anymore.
I guess this is also partly why I found it comforting to rely on God. At least, I have Him as the only certainty in my life. Even if the country I live in changes, when I move from one rented place to another, God is always with me. He will never leave me, nor forsake me. It is amazing to see God’s hand in my life, how He paved the path to lead me to church, to learn the language to appreciate His Word, and how He let me remain in a country with the freedom to worship.
During all these years, my parents have never come to Singapore and the UK. They visited me in the US during my internship and we had a great family holiday.
But the funny thing I slowly realise is, my family is not poor, even by Singapore’s standard. My parents are diploma holders. They graduated from institutes similar to Polytechnics in Singapore. By working hard and living a very frugal life, they have reached financial independence a few years back. Their combined income is a few times of my current salary, and their steady passive income alone is probably more than my salary already. All these were done without taking a single bank loan. My dad has serious financial insecurity from his childhood hunger and chooses to remain debt free. Meanwhile, they are spending probably only 10% of their income, and we must count in the annual health insurance and car maintenance to make the 10%.
So during my A Level days, my parents often joked that it’s totally okay if I don’t do well. I could always go home and live pretty comfortably by collecting rent for them. It’s even better if I marry a certified electrician / plumber to save on property maintenance fee. Their offer is still valid today.
Sometimes I do wonder why I worked so hard. Ten years abroad focusing on studies meaning I missed countless meals with parents, nine CNY reunion dinners, all four of my direct cousins’ weddings, and my grandma’s funeral. It’s kinda by choice as my parents migrated to a different city due to job arrangements when they got married, so I did not grow up with my cousins and am not very close to them, and I had already said bye to grandma the last time I visited her in summer. Young ones come and aged ones go. There is no new thing under the sun.
I guess this is also why I felt hugely offended when I was called lazy and spoilt by some of my close Singaporean friends. They saw me taking many long afternoon naps, and spent on food and accommodation above average standard. If I were truly lazy and spoilt, I did not have to leave home and live such a nomadic life. Leaving parents’ shelter too early meaning you had to look out for yourself in all aspects, and had to discern when it’s appropriate to ask for help, without truly knowing what asking for help mean. I must have offended and troubled a lot of people unnecessarily. After much tears and agony, I learnt to forgive, both others and myself.
I guess I also learnt to forgive myself that I failed my driving tests twice. Yes, the ability to react fast and preempt dangers are important skills and can be picked up. But compared to my friends, I do not have the luxury of practising using a family car. Plus, learning to drive in London with a manual car is really not easy. Give me an auto and put me on American roads and I passed the first time.
My parents’ thrifty lifestyle made it difficult for me to break free from their view towards money. On one hand, I know they are well to do but are extremely frugal. On the other hand, they gave me more than enough pocket money since my childhood and encourage me to make my life more comfortable because they love me. I do not agree with my father’s choice to penalise his quality of life in order to save more. Money has no meaning if it is not managed or spent on good cause. But it is difficult to just give away, since I know my parents would painstakingly save every cent. And the killer point is, without an acquired taste, I just didn’t know how to spend. Good taste is a subtle thing.
It took me 2 years to be able to give tithe in church. And my heart was set free after I started doing it. I am no longer a slave of material things. These things come and go, and “to dust I shall return”. There is no use clinching on to worldly things. I am grateful to my BBK teacher Naomi who encouraged me to do it. I still remember how she asked me with a gentle smile, “did you get poorer or get starved after you started giving?”
This February, when my parents found out about my tithing, we had a big argument. They strongly disagree with the amount I was giving and reminded me how timid and miserable I was when I first arrived in Singapore and resisted even buying a $1 ice-cream brick while watching my friends eat. I was insistent. Over the months, my dad suffered a huge investment loss. I continued to probe him on what he is earning so much money for. I am unsure whether he could ever get rid of this strong sense of financial insecurity, but I think something is starting to change.
But don’t get me wrong. I do not intend to downplay my parents’ contribution to my growth. When I was younger, I did wonder why my parents just don’t have the answers, like what CCAs I should choose, which college to apply to, what major I should study, and which scholarship is more suitable, or whether I should even take a scholarship at all. But now, I often think of Isaac Newton’s phrase, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants”. My parents are my giants. They have done exceptionally well given their limited resources and low starting point.
Now, I am starting to take stock of the physical things I own, and the amount of digital storage and files I own. The concept of living with less things, and unused items are wasted items appeal to me. It is interesting to observe how I am more attached to tangible things than their real value. It’s easier to give away the equivalent amount of money than to donate the goods in almost mint condition. At home, some of my parents’ collection of things are older than me. However, my past nomadic lifestyle did not permit hoarding. Every housing moving is a huge throwing and packing exercise. It’s time to examine my relationship with the things around me.
There is the constant struggle of devoting more time to church fellowship and services as well. I guess I am still holding on very tightly to my time. I am unwilling to let go. Also, my problem of always running late for appointments remains. I used to shamelessly pride myself that I am only never late for exams, interviews, and flights and trains. However, one of the Sunday messages reminded me that keeping others waiting is actually stealing their time. I need to work on my punctuality problem and stop subconsciously reinforcing the notion that I was a regular late comer.
Relationship wise, I am still super close to my parents. I made time for my friends since I came back to Singapore. However, I still let myself be rather passive in meeting friends. Somehow, unless absolutely necessary, I lost the habit of reaching out to people, and am usually the recipient contact point when people need me. I am unsure whether this is because I started to view asking people as being inferior or because I wanted to feel the sense of being needed and required. Either way, I am grateful for the kind souls that reached out to me, and the hours catching up with friends new and old. It’s nice to be able to talk things out.
Meanwhile, I filled my time gaps with weekly trips to the library, Chinese calligraphy and watercolour painting. I also started exercising, and picked up a little bit of French. I am making up my lost Liberal Arts education.
Over the years, with batches of friends coming from a more and more resourceful background than mine, I was once envious but now no longer. I was once lost but now am found. From the way some people looked at me and talked to me when I mentioned I was a PRC from China, and then how their tone had subtle changes when they later found out I studied in the UK and am a Singaporean citizen, I think stereotypes are still prevalent here in Singapore and I can take it with cool now. It is interesting to observe the changes in myself and the people around me.
I am still trying to find out God’s will for my life. I don’t know what I am here for yet. God led me through an amazing past 10 years. He sent plenty of help in time of need and slowly took people away from my life at His time. I am very grateful for the many helping hands extended, in Singapore, UK and US. Looking back, I saw a clear path of how I came to today’s point. Looking ahead, I can only see Christ.
Don’t judge people from your own perspectives. You only see a snapshot of them in time, and do not know what they have gone through. Social classes are not defined by the wealth owned, but by the width and depth of one’s soul. Investment in one’s development and growth is paramount to match one up with the wealth growth. All good things come from above.
