Time does not change us. It just unfolds us.
— Max Frisch

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.
– Henry Van Dyke

“Intriguing, isn’t it?” he intoned softly. “How sad that its beauty is such a fleeting thing. Every moment it is dying little bit more. This crimson rose will wilt in eternity’s heartbeat, and will be forgotten even faster. Yet its beauty seems never-ending in this moment. How tragic that this rose was born to perish.”

Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity; eternity can be the tick of a clock.
-Mary Parrish

In the end, we are who we were always meant to be. The choices we make do not alter our destiny; destiny alters the choices we make.

今天class outing结束后，一个人在gv看了despicable me。我好像好久好久没有一个人看电影了，都快忘掉那种痛快的不必顾忌旁人的肆意大笑有多么愉悦。准备回来时天色已黑，在Dhoby Ghaut地铁站旁边的空地上看到城市楼群树顶边际的烟火，应该是NDP在滨海湾的预演吧。烟花炸开时的巨响在城市中回响，轰鸣。独自站在夜色中观望时，一瞬间有想给Eric打电话的冲动，想跟他说，你听你听，这就是烟火绚烂时心中寂寞呐喊的声音。

这个城市有太多值得庆祝的事情。而我，昨天下午站在GIC位于Capital Tower 38层高的总部落地窗前时，微微地不小心在这个投资银行家纵横的世界里迷失了梦想与方向。

Today we held the Network EXCO campaign and interview. Looking at my juniors’ aspiring faces, my old ambitious self revitalized in me. One year has gone, in a blink of an eye. I just realized how much I have not done for this CCA, the one I claimed to be my first and the foremost important. Juniors’ questions triggered my thoughts. Did I enjoy this year as an EXCO member? Was it a piece of fulfilling experience? No doubt I have accomplished the basic job scope set for a conventional welfare coordinator for Network, setting up a drink stall at the CSM and organizing a welfare session with videos and snacks. But is that enough for bringing all the J1 and J2s together and bonding the whole CCA as a family? Far from it. Epic Fail! I could not even name all the J1s by now, having been with them in the same CCA for half a year. The words said are always more beautiful than the actions done. I was not as entrepreneurial as I had expected, in pushing Network forward and making more changes in the club.

But I did not fail to be entrepreneurial in life, definitely. Part of my confidence must have stirred from listening to those successful businessmen’s fascinating stories. I am becoming more and more outspoken, adventurous, and self-respecting every year. I follow my heart and do not let others’ views on me alter my will. Ask the Yangfan in Sec 3, she would definitely not dare to tie her hair with a striking blue ribbon. I do what will make me happy, without crossing the boarder to upset others. Just as what Mrs Chin shared, I do not need to be the best among all, but I shall never stop to strive to be the best of myself. I know my confidence and my daring spirit are my greatest treasure. To pursue my passion persistently, voice out my opinions sincerely and share my resources willingly would be my definition for entrepreneurship in college life.

Nonetheless, I may want to reconsider my role as a leader. Now I think about it, I am wholeheartedly glad that I was not chosen to be the President of Network. Indeed, I was super disappointed when I knew the EXCO composition. Frankly, the Network EXCO campaign and the two rounds of interview were the ones I invested most of my energy and time in, among all the selections and interviews I have gone to. Kai Zhi did not do a perfect job, but he did much better than what I would possibly be able to do. I know I have the leadership aura. That’s actually something I was always looking for when I conducted the interviews for the BSP Council and the JCSC. The way you carry yourself in front of your peers, back straight, head up, the tone and pitch you use when you speak, forceful and articulate, the sincerity and trust you instill into your audience at every eye-to-eye contact, they are all taken into account when your voters are picking someone to meet their needs.

Yet, acquiring the “feel” or “breath” of a leader is far from being one. I lack some substances. I seldom have a clear vision and thus my motivation for changes wavers. I incline to be conservative in terms of event organizing and association expanding. This afternoon when I looked around, I realized that there were a lot of devoted J2s who have stayed loyal to Network all this time, Hok Xiang, Tian Sheng, Kenneth, Zijin, and many others who quietly supported Network. Maybe they lost out to me at the campaign, but I am sure some of them have the ability and determination to be a much better EXCO member than me. Maybe I should stop abusing others’ trust on me and think deeper and harder before I apply for any leadership positions in the future. What I have achieved in all my past leadership positions is merely being responsible for completing whatever I am supposed to do. I have not tried trekking the extra mile yet. I don’t even know the direction of that extra mile. What a disaster!

Leadership remains as a mystery for me to explore more. My journey of serving Network comes to an end. I enjoyed working with Kai Zhi the cutest, sweetest and most considerate, Wei Xuan the most gentlemanly, humblest and noblest, Norman the most motivating and eloquent, and dear Ferries the most “irritating”, “annoying” and lovable. I think somehow they spoiled me, the only girl in the exco, by tolerating my random craziness and super lame jokes. Hopefully they suffered less than my classmates. And I am definitely going to miss them. I hope we did choose the most suitable successors to steer our beloved entrepreneur Ship. I hope Network is handed into good hands. And more will find their experience as Networkers or Networkians rewarding. Just as I do.

　　金朋发过邮件来，问好。那么多年过去，其实有些朋友还是一直在那里的。记得去年回家他为了到机场接我，已经回珠海了又专门过关回澳门。说不感动是假的。想念致力，记得他说到了青岛那儿的啤酒可没少喝，说那儿冬天冷得跟什么似的。想念窈，把她的大学美女照一直放在相册里，一开文件夹就看得到。想念隽，他回珠海之后都没跟他联系，现在也不知道回纽约没。想念OI那帮子人，前几天去群上看才发现群公告居然是祝我生日快乐的，我这种万年隐身潜水的，两个月后才发现，想念+林，我记得一起上课的坐我右边的时候他会用左手握鼠标，或者用右手握着放到自己的左边，害我老是一不小心就抓着他的鼠标狂晃还抱怨说怎么学校鼠标那么弱又没反应了。想念xt，不知道他念叨大学把妹有着落没，我想在他毕业之前是无论如何要去中大看看的。想念Jambo，不知道他混得如何了。想念黄健羽中，他是否仍然迷恋武士军刀和战舰模型。还有尧，心情乱的时候就去翻他的博客和留言板，好像这是唯一的方法证明这个神奇物种在我生命中的曾经存在。还有贾、悦、陈晴、包包，还有好多好多的人，好像很多年前的事情，只要不去想，就可以几乎遗忘。

　　跟周文静聊班上的clique。突然想起以前我也有的，力力，颖，可人，分班之后才会珍惜相聚的可贵。走到哪里，我都不会忘记庙湾的海水的蓝。Eric的笔调还是老样子，现在再也不会因他的缘故去翻何+，孙欣、嘉瑜和园的空间了，想想我也是寡淡。肖潇和澜过得也还好吧，反正我一想起肖潇去了哥伦比亚我就浑身充满了力量和勇气。

　　向佳乐讨圣经，没想到她送我一本新的。Genesis 4:16,”for dust you are, and to dust you will return”.想起妈妈常常劝爸爸的话，赚那么多钱是没有用的，生不带来死不带走，每天健康快乐才最重要。家里在搞装修，住了将近十年的房子，它不美，它外表丑陋，但是这栋三层上上下下只有厨房有瓷砖的别墅毛胚房保存了我九岁至十九岁的记忆。我记得01年建它的时候就跟彭栋梁拍胸脯打赌说我家建好之后一定比他家漂亮，后来得知医院快要拆了我家也不装修了就这么住吧我就傻眼了，现在想来幸好当时小孩子单纯不懂得打赌要下赌注，不然我可不亏大了？

　　没想到这一将就就是十年，前几天还在想要是中国的城建工程效率有新加坡这样，那唐家也许早就改造完成，医院那么大一块地就不至于闲置至今了。我应该是认识的小朋友里头最霸道的孩子了，家里的顶层主人套房，一开始就被我占了，爹妈全被挤到楼下睡。窗前是个大大的阳台，清晨醒来可以看见鱼肚白的天空，高新区填海之前可以隐约看到海水，装清高的时候曾经大费周章把古筝扛到阳台上乘着夕阳余晖弄弦。后窗对着唐家镇内，前几年违章建筑没那么多时可以看到唐家小学和中学，放假回家在周一至周五甚至可以听到早上做广播体操的音乐。我最喜欢房间的静，初中三年晚上洗完碗就扛着书包上楼，把门一关就可以不受干扰地从七点一直奋战到九点、十点、十一点，等着老爸在楼下喊我吃水果才起身去收拾书包准备休息。也许我一直做作业时讨厌有人跟我讲话问问题打断思路的习惯就是这么多年养成的。现在住宿舍的我是多么怀念那样隐秘的清净啊！！！　　
　　住那么大的房子不是不害怕的，尤其是爸妈不在家的时候。一楼到三楼恨不等灯全部打开，不然就在楼下关了灯直接撒丫子往房间跑。有时甚至做完作业在楼上看着黑漆漆的楼梯都不敢下去洗澡，怕开灯就看见什么躲在暗处的东西了。最恐怖的一次是半夜一个人在家已经睡了，然后就听到旁边巷子里一前一后的急促脚步声，一个女的凄厉大叫：“抢钱啊！救命啊！”我当时就想别跑我家来别跑我家来。恐怖至极。还有一次是广哥哥来家里住，他的衣服晾在我的窗前。我晚上做着作业就看到一个什么东西飞过来，抬头看见一个红色的鬼的脸贴在窗户上，魂都被吓跑了，至少十秒钟没敢动啊！半天才反应过来那是件衣服，下摆被风吹着缠上了架子，然后又一下子被吹下来。男生为什么要买有鬼的图案的恐怖衣服啊，而且为什要买红鬼黑衣吖！！！！！抗议啊！

　　妈妈说院子里所有的树都砍掉了，一棵不留，芒果、荔枝、龙眼、枇杷、杨桃、发财树、两株巨大的凤尾竹、石榴、茶花。家里的东西也几大箱全部打包移出。该扔的旧物都处理掉了，那些跟了他们二十多年的家具，结婚至今搬家多次都没有丢弃，也许也就是时候退休了吧。那个我亲手搭好最后一口砖的狗窝，也许也该拆了，小喜去了那么多年，应该早就投胎，不必再找回家的路。这个我们每晚乘凉喂蚊子的院子，这个办过两次大烧烤请同学来庆祝中考结束和我考来南洋女中的院子，也许要彻底变样了。

　　想起Toy Story的结局，Andy去上大学时也不得不把儿时挚爱的玩具送走。我想他最后的道别，也是跟他的童年与无忧无虑道别吧。这个再见，是每个人在成长过程中都要说的。不管是对人，对事，对一些旧物，或是对一间房子，一个地点。我应当在四年前签下奖学金时就意识到回唐家湾长住从今以后就是件奢侈的事，这里是我的大本营，是我的基地，定期回去补充爱和信念，它要变样要翻新，内里是不会变的。而我，在半年以后，会连根拔起继续漂泊，我不知道目的地在何方，我只凭直觉行事。

下午等着还Blazer的时候在class bench看最新一期的paranoma。看到top scorer的profile，忽然觉得自己离目标还很远很远，从前的骄傲自信不过是自己给自己编出来童话，根本好像不值一提。

那个不断追逐的金字塔尖，不知道有没有我想要的幸福。会不会在抵达之前，已经摔得满身伤痕。如果耗尽所有，攀到彼岸，发现其实那儿没有想象中美好，结局亦不过是个带笑的悲剧，会不会失望。

好像要求太高了，好像开始力不从心。我要不要跟妈妈说的一样，只要安身立命做个知足贤惠的女子就好。那些个第一第二，让我未到终点已疲惫不堪。