晚饭的时候，周文静说她们一群人今天下午打了一下午拖拉机。我说怎么不叫我，我五月学了以后就再也没打过僚，手痒呢。她说她提过的，但其他人说扬帆不会打。然后她说她们打到一半，陆老师来敲门了，找思颖，她们来不及收牌，都散在枕头上。一帮子人都吓坏了，以为老师会开骂。谁知陆老师把思颖支开去做事后，这帮子人三缺一，陆老师就自己凑个数一起打，还说什么考完一科了应该放松一下的。
我们吃饭的一桌子人都彻底无语了，这太强悍僚。正巧陆老师又走过来了，芸菲一鸣惊人：“牌友来了！”大家爆笑。闫畅说一起打牌的叫牌友，一起看柯南的叫“南友”，还说我们以后开个牌楼得了。我说我不看柯南怎么办呀？她们说那你就没“南友”呗！我说咱们EOY之后可以开娱乐场了，有牌楼，日剧专场，韩剧专场，台湾偶像剧专场，言情小说专场（张元是场主无疑），Gossip Girl 专场，柯南专场，日以继夜，不眠不休。
哎，生活又继续以其奢侈而悠闲的姿态流逝，仿佛考试只是一场华丽的幻觉。
我考完LA了。
考试之前Mrs Soh到班上来，讲了几句祝福的话，然后叫我们继续复习，自己走到课室后方的一个角落，低下头，虔诚而默默地祷告。我坐在课室的另一端，被她小小的身影所散发出的爱与期望震撼到了，也许是因为我第一次见到基督徒祷告，也许是因为回想起Mrs Soh两年以来为我们做的一切，总之就是特别地感动，回过头就落下泪来。我想一个老师能为学生做的真的就是这些了吧，她经常生病，但回来上课时总是神采奕奕的，会讲冷笑话，会做出让人大跌眼镜的行为，但她绝对地敬业，非常非常爱我们，两年以来从来没发过脾气，在她自己的学生毕业考的早晨，她能做的，就是在课室的一角静静祈祷，撒下她最真挚的祝福。她一直都很漂亮，但我觉得她从未像今天祈祷的时候这样耀眼过。
我考完了LA了。我终于考完了。昨天晚上九点多趴在窗台上看星空，突然很想打电话回家，很想发信息给张鑫，但是后来都抑制住了。这是我必须一个人去面对的事，再害怕再不确定也没有用，这是我不得不孤军奋战的沙场。我不知道到底是自己封闭了自己还是有别的原因，总是无法控制地觉得孤独。也许是目标定得太高，显得太过遥不可及，但是心底的渴望太过强烈，要成功的野心无法压抑。回想起来我都被自己这样好胜的心给吓到，什么时候我也成了这种好像为了分数什么都可以舍弃的人。我只是不甘心，只是太想太想雪耻自己两年以来的差生头衔，凭什么大家都在一中当前十名而我就要在这里徘徊在及格线上蝇营狗苟，凭什么因为英文差一点就要对别人低声下气像少了根骨头，凭什么稍微考好了一点就只能告诉自己这只是运气只是老师心软送给我的分数，我真是委屈得可以，我真是不甘心。所以我必须得努力。
现在考完了，我不后悔了，至少LA这科我真的是很努力很努力地去准备去复习了，而且考试也没有出现时间把握不好的失误，即使是SRQ仍然没有做完，即使我考不到梦想中的A1，即使我真的只能拿B3或者A2，我也不会太难过，不会责怪自己，不论成绩怎样，我可以说，我对得起自己这半个多月来的战战兢兢和夜不成寐，我对得起自己下半年来CA2拿80分全班第五的成绩，我对得起Mrs Soh的教导和期望，我对得起去年的那个失意落魄对英文几乎绝望的我自己。
好吧，战役才刚刚开始，卸下一个背负两年的担子，剩下的路还很长。我会努力，我只是想做得再好一点。
LA EOY Exam preparation notes - Education Introduction Instead of being heralded as the pinnacles of excellence and the triumph of opportunity, elite schools have come to be the easy scapegoats of all that is wrong about education systems – grade inflation, inherited privilege, discrimination against the poor and the disenfranchised. Narrowing this gulf between the have-nothings and the have-the-whole–world-on-a-silver-platter has long troubled minds and inflamed opinions on both sides of the political divide. The fear is that elite schools guarantee a gilded path to upper class gentility and their graduates wield disproportionate influence and advantage later in life, further exacerbating the inequalities in society. Somehow something about cream rising to the top riles a lot of people and brings out visceral emotional responses to do with people’s ambivalences and suspicions about the rise of a new aristocracy of wealth and privilege. In an increasingly middle class society, elite schools, like cars and good addresses, are the status symbols of choice. They do come across as fortresses of socially exclusive cliques whose social climbing and networking advantages can mark people’s path and identity for life. Admission may also mean exclusion but elite schools have their place in society. After all, there is some element of truth about the advantages that elite schools bring. A quick scan of elite schools and their illustrious alumni will read like a Who’s Who of political and professional prominence. Most government ministers in developed nations come from select schools, as do a large proportion of its intelligentsia. All American presidents over the last 20 years have been educated at elite private schools or Ivy League colleges. Elite schools do come across as fortresses of socially exclusive cliques whose social climbing and networking advantages can mark people’s path and identity for life. Point 1: Rich & poor Firstly, elite schools are perceived as bastions of hypocrisy and privilege that practice an unfair and discriminatory selection policy that keeps the poor and the unwashed at its ivory gates, forever doomed to peering in. Preferential entry for children of alumni and teachers at the schools enclose this tight parochial circle. However, in today’s globalised economy, the face of elite schools is changing. They are becoming more diverse and cosmopolitan than popular disdain would have them, transforming from ossified systems that churned out graduates all built from the same mould. Concerned that they are winning the global war for talent, such places labour mightily to attract the brightest children, no matter what their backgrounds or environments. Elite schools and colleges are making financial aid available to a wider pool of applicants and take pride in the diversity and vibrancy of their campuses. Moreover, in Singapore, no eligible student is deprived from entering the top schools, institutions or gifted programmes just because his family is poor. Admission is strictly based on merit and there is a wide range of bursaries and financial assistance schemes to assist students in need. Thus every student is provided with equal chance to pursue quality education, regardless of his family background. Point 2: meritocracy Secondly, many people concern that students from under privileged families have less chance to succeed. An enduring meritocracy governs life in Singapore. It ensures that performance trumps all else. On a multigenerational view of meritocracy, children should be neither advantaged nor penalized by the success or failure of their familial predecessors. Yet an intelligent child born into an impoverished, uneducated and socially unconnected family faces a much more arduous road to success than if that child were born to a wealthy, highly educated family with diverse contacts and networks. In our relentless quest to showcase Singapore as a fair country where everybody competes on a level playing field, we forget that it is still easier for a rich man’s scion to score and A than it is for a poor man’s son. Nonetheless, students, regardless of their family background, have done well in this system. The top 5 per cent of students in the 2007 Primary School Leaving Examination did not come only from a few schools with rich parents. In fact, they came from 98 per cent of primary schools - from all socio-economic groups. Moreover, one of every eight undergraduates in our public universities comes from households who live in one- to three-room flats. Our education system aims to motivate and provide opportunities for all students to go as far as each can. There are various programmes available to assist those from poorer families and many are moving up. We should celebrate when any student excels, regardless of his background. When that student comes from a lower-income household, we applaud his efforts because he has succeeded despite difficult circumstances. But we should not cavil or be envious when students from higher income households do well in our education system. Both have earned rewards based on personal effort and merit. Today’s society also rewards a wider range of talents. Companies are more multinational and bigger than they used to be and will look outside the standard talent pool when needed. What this globalized world can do is not just benefit the rich and the educated elite alone but also broaden the forces of meritocracy and social mobility. And at the end of the day, it is still talent and hard work and gumption that defeat the odds of poverty and bad environments. The clever and the ambitious and the driven will do always well in society. Point 3: Social segregation After years of handpicking and trumping up scholars, we may have created a distinct class of people who think that they are God’s gifts to Singapore. It is possible that Singapore’s globalised, rich elite may be completely out of touch with its lower, perhaps more insular classes. This widening gulf may eventually threaten stability, which depends on social cohesion. Despite these concerns, it would still be unwise to counter elitism. Societies cannot flourish without some measure of intellectual elitism and they must maintain that rigor if they are going to succeed. A successful education system should nurture the best and brightest rising to the top. The lure of an elite class motivates the best and the brightest, who then lead society along development’s path. Maybe what we can do is to make sure that more segments of our society understand the difficulties others face. The first step would be to admit that life is harder for some. If we recognize this, we can then start breeding a class of magnanimous elites – people who rise to the top and then work incessantly to help life the not-so-fortunate up life’s ladder. Snooty elite schools’ alumni bask in their academic pedigree and aura of elevated social status and view the rest as vulgar and uninformed plebeians. It leads to complacency among those so privileged and a sense of entitlement and arrogance that can only be harmful to Singapore’s continued cohesiveness and development. An enduring meritocracy makes Singaporeans painfully aware of their relative positions in society. At present we do not know how many capable students from disadvantaged families resign themselves to mediocrity due to disillusionment and feelings of futility. Making quality education accessible to all is a priority. The meritocratic ideal of education only works when there is equality of opportunity to serve more people well.
Half a year, six months, hundreds of days, thousands of hours, countless effort, thus, Science Mentorship Program (SMP) comes to the end. Feeling a bit lost yet satisfied, I sat at the desk, started to recall the sweet memory little by little, in silence.
Our project was titled Transparent Bitrate Estimation in Digital Music Coder. Although the scientific background knowledge was not that esoteric, it still took me quite a long time to grasp the essential materials assigned by our mentor, Ms Li Te. To be honest, the process of literature review was painful and tasteless at the beginning. No matter how many times I read the notes, the concepts were just too abstract and alien to digest. Luckily, the situation improved tremendously under Ms Li’s facilitation. She patiently explained the terminologies to us during our meetings. Chen Chen and I also helped each other by sharing our thoughts and progressed together. Thus, the obstacle was overcome eventually.
The most painstaking process in the whole research journey was testing. There were nearly three hundred music sequences to test all together. Even listening to all the songs would take days, let alone testing every single one and recording the data over and over again. Running programs was really time-consuming. I could not remember the number of weekends which I spent in front of my computer screen doing testing from sun rise to sun set. The worse thing was that we could not obtain satisfactory results despite all the hard work for months. Repeated failures really disappointed me. However, Ms Li and Chen Chen were always there to encourage me and cheer me up. I would not forget the numerous time and endeavor we invested in seeking the desired result. Yet I believed it was the perspiration which made the ultimate success so exhilarating and contented. This arduous road of research is the heart and soul of scientific learning.
The experience of writing our research paper and designing our own project poster taught me how rigorous yet inspiring scientific research could be. In the report, every punctuation and footnote had to be correctly used. At the same time, the poster needed to be designed to present our research finding succinctly and directly. Chen Chen and I really had great fun. Nonetheless, I must confess that I contributed much less that Chen Chen in the procedure. I felt thankful towards her toleration and understanding.
In conclusion, the experience of taking SMP was definitely invaluable and memorable. My time management and project management skills were sharpened and I benefited greatly from doing this project. It was so contented to end the journey clinching Distinction and 3M Best Poster Award. Here, I would like to express my sincere gratitude towards our mentor Ms Li Te for guiding us, Mr Kuo Yu Hsuan for caring for us, the Science Department and the school for providing us such great opportunity to learn and progress.
To see a world in a Grain of sand
and a heaven in a wild flower
To hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and Eternity in an hour
——william Blake
傍晚六点的天空是灰暗的，不似平日的蓝。太阳还未完全沉落下去，隐在灰沉沉的云中，周围有一层乳黄的光圈，像浑浊不清的水。
这几天真是热得发慌，以前晚上睡觉一定用两床被子把自己包得严严实实的，生怕清晨踢了被着凉，现在只是象征性地在身上搭一角，也不管它在夜里是否会被我压到身下。
一个人，带了钥匙跟钱包，搭拉着拖鞋，到附近的超市，取钱，顺带买一大纸盒牛奶，两盒日本黑巧克力，在冰柜里掏了一个黑巧克力甜筒，照例在哈根达斯的橱窗前观望一阵，然后转身付钱离开。
原路返回，每次都用欣赏的眼光像初见一般地欣赏路边的房子。低矮的别墅，小花园里修剪整齐的草坪，有时会有巨大的黑狗，听见脚步声就冲到雕花大门前狂叫不止。路上停着各种颜色的车，有的停到了花园里去，看到菲佣站在椅子上刷车的玻璃，水管流出来哗哗的水，还有白白的泡沫。有的屋子的廊道顶上悬着欧式古朴的吊灯，但从来没见它亮过。园子里有很多不知名的花木，有时会伸展到栅栏外面来。有的院子里有乘凉的桌椅，有时还会看到秋千，里头住的孩子应该会挺快乐的，也许不。每座小房子都不一样，但又似乎都相同。我只是依旧不急不徐地走，舔食手中微苦的雪糕，耳机里流淌着王菲的歌。
真是隐隐地觉得自己要被逼疯了，太多不确定的因素，一点信心也没有，遑论把握。也不好意思去麻烦别人，各自在忙着过各自的生活。以前总跟朋友说隐隐地觉得自己在等待什么，现在看来也没什么可等待的，当下一天天过的就是生活。无可救药地爱上黑巧克力与浓咖啡，有时会去泡一杯清茶。每晚临睡前就着一大杯清水，吞掉三粒维生素，两粒液钙胶囊，三片螺旋藻，像慢性病人一样虔诚而盲目，也许唯一的好处是让我不再在半夜因小腿抽筋而醒来。躺下之后不论多晚都会郑重地读几页喜爱的然则无关学习的书，如此才觉得自己是在过属于自己生活。
头发长了，一根铅笔就可以轻易挽起一个髻，盘一整天松下来就会留下大波浪的卷曲。有时疏于打理，想剪回以前短得不能再短的发，但又很舍不得。洗发露用完了，六月没有从家里带来新的，附近又找不到用惯了的牌子，暗自恼人。清扫房间时看到地上脱落的发总觉得触目惊心，现在总是觉得睡晚一些吃少了一些无关紧要，挥霍的是自己的身体，其实努力到最后终点等着的是不是自己最想要的东西，真是一点想法也没有。还有大堆未完成的事情，实在是不想去面对，也许只能继续欺骗自己说我一个人也过得很好。烦恼即菩提。但我区区一个凡人，只见烦恼，不见菩提。
就是寂寞了些。